Sunday, March 28, 2010

 
Hat and gloves
I put them out again. My days recently - well for some time now, to be really honest - became increasingly lonely. So it's just appropriate to get into gear again. I feel disconnected to the worlds inhabitants and have to admit to the fact that i for myself am not able to hold contacts up, not to speak of initiating them. With contact i mean real contact, not social programs. Thing is, when noone touches me i am losing contact. And at the moment i'm walking around unnoticed, invisible, untouchable. I think it's me, not the people but knowing this doesn't change anything about the outcome. So i can't avoid anymore realizing that it's getting too cold without hat and gloves. Makes me sad. At least this is something new to experience.
the stranger 18:41

Sunday, June 28, 2009

 
And then
there is this moment in which the fear of moving breaks and the clouds vanish and the sky glows bright and glittering, giving sight to the land before me that i even was afraid to look at. But there it is in all its beauty, suddenly visible in the moment i just took one step forward.
It is the same instant that i realize that i was stuck, walled in, frozen. For nearly one year i must have stood here actually and didn't even know that. I really thought i was moving, but now i see that that just was not true. Not true at all. I held onto a status quo. I wanted a comfortable and safe position to hold on forever. Which is impossible. When i stop moving, everything will fall apart in the end. It's not my nature to settle down and every time i try to i either destroy everything or i nearly do.
Today i nearly did. I should be sorry and apologize, but i apologized and was sorry again and again for a long time now. It won't help. Moving helps. Getting myself on path helps. Letting my fears and my jealousy go helps. Breaking my chains helps.
Even just to begin moving again helps. Helps big time.
the stranger 22:49

Thursday, June 25, 2009

 
Those shadows
haunt me. Again?
I am not entirely myself right now. I'm even jelaous. That's something i admit. And i'm put back. That's something i have to cope with because i can't do anything to change that for good. I tried. Big mistake: It made me even weaker. The alternative is to let go, but that's no option at all of course. She loves me and i love her. Despite all of my troubles with it this does not need to be touched.
But since we know that both, it makes me powerless. I don't have a trade or treat. I just need some little more time. Not much really, only a small fraction more of her time. But thats impossible right now. There's a difference between love and interest. She loves me. But her interests lie somewhere else. Somewhere where she does not want me to be, on something she does not want to share with me.
I liked the freedom in our connection. Now I'm feeling lonely. Perhaps this time of lonelyness is the price to pay for the freedom. I will pay it as long as i can, i don't have a real choice. I just hope that there will come other times again before i'm broke. She told me so. I want to believe her.
Is there something wrong with summers?
the stranger 22:10

Saturday, July 26, 2008

 
Disconnected
Got to face it. I lost trails. Don't know when, it can't have been so long ago but right now i feel unsure. Alone. Alone in the sense of being isolated and disconnected. There are people around me, even people i love and who love me. But i can see on their reactions that i'm not really in tune, that me and my presence don't fit right. That i'm acting off focus.
I don't like me this way: I feel like being a teenager again. Worse, i feel like being that teenager again, that i was: Unsure, the smallest, the nerd, the one without attention. Without the right attention. The one who missed nearly everything that the others long had, hopelessly staying behind for years.
Yes of course, i catched up. More than this, i took over in most regards. Friends wondered how i managed to always end up with the most interesting and beautiful company.
But i'm still carrying this rejected teenager in me, when i get stuck in my fears i fall back to stand stunned in confusion and powerlessness like i was then. How can i come to terms with him? He is so sad and angry, gets frustrated about nothing. I need to reconcile him to find back to myself again.
the stranger 11:48

Friday, July 25, 2008

 
No
I yet don't understand much of the concept "time". I can't use it right: If i got it, i don't do much, if i have none, i'd like to write, paint, play music, talk...
I seem to be stunned by this "time". I can't move in it. I can, if it gets short but then i have to hurry. Could anybody teach me how to use this "time"?
the stranger 14:03

Thursday, November 01, 2007

 
Gone fishing
Halloween, Samhain and howewer they call these days, is a time i have no business with. The spirits are running free, all doors are open and every sphere is connected with the human world. It needs to be that way. For balancing reasons i guess, but i am not part of any of these spheres so i can only make assuptions.
Usually i keep a low profile. I am reading, watching this TV, don't walk outside, not to interfere accidentially. This year it's nearly the same, but i got very sweet and inspiring company. I am deeply thankful for that.
the stranger 16:53

Sunday, October 28, 2007

 
Having put my hat on
leads to some issues. Well knows issues, though. But getting used to them doesn't make them less difficult to cope with. One of them is that i can't save time. When a destination needs some weeks to reach, it will take some weeks. Even when i travel half the distance in just two days. Something will stop me, slow me down, need my attention so thoroughly that i will need much more time for the other half. That's quite ok afterwards. I will get there in the end, i will need the time i estimated. But it's an annoying situation that way. If it were otherwise, if i needed some time to get started and then it would become easyer and faster day by day, i would be much happier with it. But, as we know very well by now, this is not about me being happy.
the stranger 12:19